My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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