she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
