Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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