i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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