$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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