I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
