why didn't you poke me back
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
