Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
