He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
