you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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