What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
