My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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