Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
