woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
