Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
