so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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