RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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