He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
