It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
