I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You're like the curious george of whores
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
