dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
