That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
