I could make wine with my vomit
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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