after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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