apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
