tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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