i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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