Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
