addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
