this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
