even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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