I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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