PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
