Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
