I think I died a long time ago.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
