Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
A bitchslap is in order.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
