so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
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Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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