I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
