she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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