I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
