I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
