Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
