he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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