It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
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Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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