Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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