i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
