i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
