So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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