So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
