I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
