I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You ruined the universe
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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