remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
