I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
