People in love make me want to vomit
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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