I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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