I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
