my mouth tastes like poor choices
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
