There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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