the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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