i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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