You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
